Boys Don't Cry
by aynihstnawi69
Summary: Shinya slips and tells Toshiya he's bored with life, making Toshiya decide to help Shinya get some excitement. The members of Dir en Grey change and it seems like nothing will ever be the same again. First fanfic in two years, it probably isn't very good.
1. Chapter 1

**Whoo hoo. My first fanfic in two years. Here goes, it's hopefully decently written, and fairly entertaining, so enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: Unless you're an idiot, you know I don't own Dir en Grey. I have had some fantasies, though….**

"Hey, Shinya. How's life?" Toshiya asked, plopping down on the couch next to his friend.

Shinya sighed, shrugging. "I've been so terribly bored with everything lately."

Toshiya grinned, and Shinya instantly regretted saying anything. "We can make your life more interesting," Toshiya said eagerly, bouncing up and down.

"It's okay, Totchi," Shinya said, watching his friend distrustfully. "I don't like your kind of excitement."

"Don't be silly. _Everyone_ likes my type of excitement." Toshiya was already too intrigued by the idea of giving Shinya some excitement, and would no longer listen to the pleas of his friend.

"Come on, Totchi, it's fine. No excitement for Shinya, it's okay," Shinya tried again, starting to be scared. "Please?"

Toshiya jumped up. "I'll be back in a little while," he announced, making everyone else look up, and skipped out of the room.

"What's he so excited about?" Kaoru asked, frowning.

Shinya buried his face in a pillow. "I made a mistake," he moaned, looking up at his friends with miserable eyes. "I told him I'm bored with life."

Kyo laughed. "He's going to make your life unbearable now, you know that, right?" he asked, and Shinya nodded.

* * *

Shinya moaned, reaching for the phone. "Moshi moshi," he growled murderously into the mouthpiece. 

"Are you asleep!" Toshiya asked, sounding shocked. "Get up and get ready now, we're going out!"

"Totchi, it's one in the morning, I'm tired." Shinya rubbed his eyes, wanting to kill his friend. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm going to be there in ten minutes, and if you're not ready I'll dress you myself and carry you to the club!" Toshiya exclaimed, and hung up the phone.

Shinya thought for a moment, and then dialed a number that he had never dialed before, but knew by heart, as he had attempted to dial it many times. After a few rings, and answering machine picked up, and Shinya hung up and tried Die's cell phone.

"Moshi moshi," Die said into the phone, loud techno music playing in the background.

"Toshiya wants to make me go out with him," Shinya said quietly, wishing he hadn't called Die. Die wouldn't understand, he went out all the time.

"Go out with him, just appease him," Die told him. "If you go out with him tonight, maybe he'll leave you alone."

Shinya thought about it. "He might leave me alone…" Shinya sighed. "Sometimes I can't stand him."

Die laughed. "Oh, you love him and you know it," he said. "Now, go out and have fun for a change. I'll see you tomorrow."

When Toshiya rang the doorbell, Shinya was up and doing his makeup. "Come in," he called, still looking half asleep.

"Hello!" Toshiya said cheerfully. He grimaced, seeing Shinya. "You look terrible."

"Thanks," Shinya replied sarcastically, stifling a yawn. "Where are we going?"

"Somewhere dark, thankfully," Toshiya said, thrusting some clothes at Shinya. "Put these on, you'll look better."

A few minutes later, Shinya walked out of his bedroom, looking ready to mutilate Toshiya. "Must I wear this?" he asked.

Toshiya nodded, taking a cloth and wiping the makeup Shinya had put on off. He started putting fresh eyeliner on, and Shinya started to moan pathetically. "Oh be quiet, you baby. You wanted more excitement, and now you're going to get it."

"I look like you, though. I look like—a girl," Shinya complained.

Toshiya laughed. "You always looked like a girl. Now you just look like a pretty one."

"But what if someone thinks I'm a girl? What do I do then? I always feel weird correcting them."

"No, play along. It's loads of fun." Toshiya smiled, stepping back and admiring Shinya. "You don't look amazing, but like I said, it will be dark and no one will notice."

Shinya just rolled his eyes, following his friend. "I'm not going to enjoy myself," he warned.

At the club, Shinya followed Toshiya like a faithful puppy. He kept his eyes trained on the floor, until he heard a familiar voice shout, "Totchi! Over here!"

"Die's here?" Shinya asked, blushing terribly as he followed his friend.

"Hey. Who's your—" Die gaped at Shinya. "Shinya? Is that really little Shinya?"

"Do you like it?" Toshiya said, happy to show off his handiwork. "He looks much better this way." Something caught Toshiya's attention, and he started to wander off. "I'll see you later."

"Are you okay?" Die asked Shinya, grinning. "Not too traumatized, I hope?"

"Don't tease me," Shinya replied, leaning on the wall. "Just leave me alone until Toshiya's finished playing."

Die frowned at him. Shinya never seemed to understand his jokes like the others did. Shinya was always the delicate one. Everyone referred to him as the baby of the band, and he acted like it. It was actually a bit annoying at times. Shrugging, Die walked off, returning to the group of people he had been with.

Shinya stared at the ground sullenly. _Why am I always so childish?_ he asked himself. _Why can't I enjoy things like the others do? Why is there always something wrong with me?_

About forty minutes later, Toshiya found his way back over to Shinya, an extra drink in hand. "Here, drink this. It'll be good for you," he said, glancing around the crowded club.

"How much longer are we going to be here?" Shinya asked, taking a tentative sip of the drink and making a face.

Toshiya shrugged. "Another hour, at least. I'm having fun, you should try it." He smiled at someone across the dance floor, and glanced back at Shinya. "Loosen up, you'll have fun. I'm going away now, I'll be back later."

Shinya looked around, wondering how he was supposed to have fun. He didn't know anyone there. He wanted to be dancing with people, but with people he knew, not strangers.

Die noticed Shinya's restlessness and walked back over to his friend. "I'm sorry about teasing," he said with a smile.

Shinya shrugged. "I shouldn't have been so bratty, you were just joking."

Suppressing a joke, Die shrugged. "Do you want to dance?" he asked, holding his hand out.

"Dance? With you?" Shinya stared at Die with big eyes, not knowing what to say. "Um, sure. I've never danced with a guy before, but…" he looked at the ground, starting to blush.

"We don't have to, if you don't want to," Die said, holding his hands palm up to show that he was non-threatening.

Shinya shrugged. "No, dancing would be fine," he told his friend, taking Die's hand cautiously.

Die led him out to the dance floor, and Shinya gasped quietly as a slower song came on. He looked up at Die. "Um…"

"We can wait for another song," Die replied, shrugging. "If you're uncomfortable with this one."

Shinya shook his head, smiling slightly. "No, this song is fine." He shivered slightly as Die put his arms around the smaller man. After a moment, Shinya rested his head on Die's leather-clad chest, closing his eyes.

When the song was over, Shinya retreated to his spot on the wall without saying anything to his friend. Die started to walk over, but decided not to.

Looking around, Shinya saw the bar, and decided to see what it was like to get so drunk he couldn't remember anything. At a loss when the bartender asked what he wanted, Shinya said the first drink name that popped into his head, and ended up drinking straight vodka for the rest of the night.

* * *

The next morning, Shinya woke up in Toshiya's car. "Where are we?" he asked, shielding his eyes against the sunlight. 

"We're on our way to practice. I didn't want to wake you, so I just shoved you in the car asleep and tossed a blanket over you." Toshiya was cheerful, too cheerful for so early. "You were rather toasted last night, Shin-chan."

Shinya nodded, sitting up in the seat and rubbing his temples. "I feel like someone hammered my brain," he groaned. They hit a bump, and Shinya clutched at his mouth. "Don't do that again, or I'll be sick."

Toshiya laughed. "Have you ever had a hangover before?" he asked, and Shinya shook his head. "Well, enjoy. Hangovers are bad when we have practice, it's always so loud."

Shinya moaned, covering his head with Toshiya's blanket. "I don't want to go."

When they walked in, Shinya headed right for the couch and lay down on it, wrapping up in the blanket. "I'm going to sleep," he announced, yawning.

Kaoru looked at Toshiya questioningly, and Toshiya mouthed "hangover". Kaoru grinned. "Get up, Shinya. You chose to drink, you get to endure practice. We've all done it."

Shinya glared at him. He looked around the room for an ally, frowning. His eyes met Die's briefly, and he was surprised to see the guitarist blushing slightly. A bit confused, Shinya thought, and memories from the previous night flooded back to him, making him blush and cover his head with the blanket. "Toshiya, I hate you," he muttered.

"What?" Toshiya asked innocently.

"You made me go out last night, and now I'm sick and, and…"

"It's not like anything bad happened," Toshiya said, pouting. Shinya just glared at him, and Toshiya gasped. He made a mental note to ask Shinya later what had happened, and started to go get his bass out, for the moment ignoring his hungover friend.

* * *

"Come on, tell me," Toshiya said, frowning. 

"No," Shinya replied, pouting. "I don't want to. And I don't want to go out again."

"Why not? It's not like you hit on anyone you know or anything like that."

Shinya looked at Toshiya, his eyes big, like a deer in headlights. "No, nothing like that," he agreed quietly, looking at the ground.

"Now you have to tell me what happened."

Shinya sighed. He couldn't say no to Toshiya for too long. "Well, before I started drinking, Die asked me to dance, and I danced with him. Then…after I had had a few drinks," Shinya paused wringing his hands, "I sort of—well, hit on him."

Toshiya laughed. "Shinya, that's nothing. He knows you were drunk. People do things they regret when they drink, everyone knows that."

"That isn't so much the problem," Shinya said quietly. He sighed. "I think I…I kind of-kind of like him."

Toshiya's eyes lit up. "You like Die?" he asked, looking delighted.

Shinya nodded, and then looked at Toshiya's eager expression with dismay. "No matchmaking, please."

Toshiya looked disappointed. "Fine, no match making," he replied, though a sinister gleam in his eyes made Shinya suspicious of him.

* * *

"He really hit on you?" Kaoru asked Die, surprised. 

Die nodded. He mixed himself a drink, taking a deep breath. "I don't know if it was just the alcohol he was drinking, or if he actually likes me."

Kaoru grinned. "Wouldn't that be something? You and Shinya. You two would fight constantly. We'd have to stop you from killing each other."

"I wouldn't get on his case so much if—" he took a deep breath, looking out the window. He smiled at his friend. "It doesn't matter anyway, Kao. He'd never want to go out with me, why dwell on it?"

Kaoru shrugged. "If you want it enough, it will happen. You know Shinya, he'd never make the first move, you'd have to show him that you like him." His phone rang, and he answered it. He was speaking too lowly for Die to hear well, the only thing Die caught was that it was Toshiya. Kaoru hung slipped the phone back into his pocket, standing up. "I'll see you tomorrow," he said

"Rendezvous with Toshiya?" Die asked, grinning.

"I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about," Kaoru said, but grinned as he left.

* * *

Die walked into the studio. "Oh, I'm sorry," he said as Shinya ducked behind the couch. 

"It's fine, I was just changing my shirt," Shinya replied, blushing.

"You can change in front of me," Die said, picking up his guitar and starting to play a few chords. "We're both guys, right?" He grinned. "Unless you really are a girl. You did look awfully comfortable in that skirt."

Shinya stood up, fully dressed, and looked at the floor. "Totchi made me wear it," he muttered, annoyed.

"I didn't mean you looked bad. Quite the opposite. In fact, you looked beautiful. I was just joking. I'm sorry." Die looked at Shinya sadly. _Why am I always so mean?_ he asked himself. _Why must I always tease people I care about?_

Shinya frowned at Die. _Another case of me being childish and someone having to be nice to me._ "You don't have to be nice just because Kaoru told you to," he said, sitting at his drums. "I'm not that delicate, I can take a joke sometimes."

Kyo bounded into the room, full of energy. "Hello!" he said, smiling from ear to ear. "Why the long faces?"

"It looks like Kyo got laid last night," Die told Shinya, grinning. "Or his hand is so practiced he thinks he got laid." Shinya giggled in spite of his anger towards Die. His jokes were usually funny, just not when you were the butt of them.

"Shut up," Kyo said, still smiling. He frowned at the closet door. "Did you hear something?" he asked them.

Shinya listened, and heard it too. There were noises coming from in the closet, noises like people—

"Someone's making out in there," Die announced matter-of-factly, interrupting Shinya's thoughts.

Kyo grinned once more, skipping to the door and opening it widely.

Toshiya and Kaoru blinked up at them, smiling sheepishly. "I knew it!" Shinya exclaimed. "I knew there was something going on."

"I did too. It wasn't hard to figure out, Kao and Toshiya always being too busy to do anything," Die added, laughing.

Kyo pouted. "I didn't know. Why is it that I never know what's going on with any of you?"

"You're too short, you can't see high enough to know what's going on," Die quipped, making Kyo scowl at him.

Kaoru disentangled himself from Toshiya, standing up straight. "Let's get on with it," he said, frowning slightly.

"Wait. If you guys are together, then only Die and Shinya need to find someone," Kyo said, smiling at them.

"Maybe they should hook up," Toshiya said mischievously.

Shinya glared at his friend. "Totchi, don't make stupid comments, please."

"Speaking of you two hooking up, I want you two to do something at the live tomorrow night," Kaoru shared a sly glance with Toshiya as he spoke.

"What?" Die asked, not liking the look on his friend's face.

"I want you two to kiss."

"No!" Shinya shouted, and immediately wanted to pull the words back. He looked at Die apologetically. "No offense, I just don't like doing those things, you know that."

Die shrugged. "I don't think it's such a good idea, either," he told Kaoru, murder in his eyes.

"Is there something wrong with me?" Shinya asked Die, looking hurt.

Die stared at him, looking apologetic as well. "I didn't mean that, I'm sorry!"

Shinya grinned at Die. He mumbled something, too quiet for anyone to hear. When they just looked at him blankly, he repeated himself. "I got you."

His four band mates stared at him, and then burst out laughing, especially Die, who was incredibly taken aback at Shinya's joke.

* * *

A few days later, Shinya was sitting alone in a restaurant, eating, when Die walked in. Seeing Shinya, he walked over. "Hello, Shin-chan," he said cheerfully. 

"Hello," Shinya replied. He motioned at an empty seat. "Care to join me?" he asked, and Die shrugged, sitting down.

"What are you doing here all alone?" Die asked.

"I was hungry," Shinya replied simply. "Why are you here alone?"

Die sighed. "I was supposed to meet Kao here, but he just called me and said he was 'occupied' with Toshiya. I decided to come in and see if anyone cool was in here to join." He glanced around the room. "It doesn't look like there is."

Shinya shrugged, taking the joke in stride. "No, I suppose not."

Die stared at him. "You're not going to get upset?" he asked, surprised.

Shinya just smiled at him. "Why would I?" he asked.

"I just thought—well, you always get upset, so I assumed that you would."

"I'm a bit different now," Shinya told him. "I'm not going to let things get to me anymore. It was stupid to ever let things get to me in the first place."

* * *

"Have you seen Die insult Shinya lately?" Kaoru asked Toshiya and Kyo the next day. They shook their heads. "It doesn't bother him anymore, apparently." 

"What?" Toshiya asked. "It always bothers him when someone jokes about him."

Kaoru shrugged. "Die told me that Shinya told him it didn't bother him, that he's different."

"That's not good," Kyo said, frowning.

"Why not? Now we don't have to deal with them fighting all the time," Toshiya told him.

Kyo shook his head. "But Shinya's different now. Bad things happen when people change."

"Kyo, nothing bad is going to happen because Shinya has thicker skin now," Kaoru told him. "Everything will be the same, probably better, in fact."

"The whole dynamic of the band will be thrown off," Kyo told them. "Watch. It will happen. When one person changes, everyone else does, and I have a bad feeling about this." He thought for a moment. "Besides, do you think Die will still like Shinya is Shinya's different?" he asked.

"How do you know Die likes Shinya?" Kaoru asked Kyo.

Kyo sighed, shaking his head. "I know you guys think I'm a tad bit crazy, but I'm not stupid. I can see, I have eyes," he told his friends. "It's fairly obvious, the way he stares at our drummer." He yawned. "I'm taking a nap. You watch, things are going to get bad, and then they're going to go from bad to worse."

As Toshiya and Kaoru walked out of the room, Toshiya looked sadly at Kaoru. "As much as I hate to admit it, I think Kyo's right. And I'm afraid that everything will change."

"Think positively," Kaoru told him, smiling. He kissed Toshiya on the cheek. "You were afraid that us being together would change everything, and it did, but for the better. Right?"

Toshiya nodded. "I hope you're right," he said, but didn't seem to believe Kaoru.

**Chapter two coming soon, hopefully.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two--It's probably as horrible as the first bit.**

As Kyo suspected, things started to change. Nothing big changed, at first, but eventually it didn't seem like they were the same band. Shinya didn't complain at all, Die stopped much of his joking, they just worked when they were together. Without the jokes, they were boring, and bored with each other.

Die had stopped talking to all of them but Kaoru, and talked to him far less. They all noticed that something was terribly wrong with him, but none of them knew how to approach the problem. Die had always been tough, nothing really getting to him. But now—he seemed depressed all the time, and every insignificant remark seemed to affect him negatively.

Shinya, on the other hand, was flourishing. He, too, had stopped talking to most of his bandmates, but it was because he was so busy. He had started going out, determined to make more friends and be happier. He still spoke to Toshiya, but only usually to ask to borrow clothes.

One morning, Shinya didn't show up for practice. "Have you talked to him?" Kaoru asked Toshiya after an hour with no Shinya. "Did he say he was going to miss today?"

Toshiya shook his head. "I haven't talked to him for a few days. He's been so busy…"

Kaoru looked at Die. "You know where he lives, right?" he asked, and Die nodded. "Can you go see if he's home?"

Die sighed heavily. "If you want me to," he said quietly.

Kaoru put his hand under Die's chin, making his friend look him in the eyes. "You look so sad," he said quietly.

Die glanced at Kyo and Toshiya, who were trying to look busy. He looked back at Kaoru and shrugged, sighing again. "I guess I am sad," he replied. He managed a weak smile. "But I'll be fine."

Kaoru watched as he left, frowning deeply. "You okay?" Toshiya asked him, wrapping his arms around Kaoru.

Kaoru nodded. "We need to find out what's troubling Die," he told the two of them. "And then we need to find out why Shinya's too busy for us these days."

* * *

Die walked up to Shinya's door, holding back tears. He didn't want to have to talk to Shinya. Shinya was different, and didn't have time for his old friends, especially Die. _Deep breaths_, Die told himself. _Shinya will like you even less if he thinks you're a crybaby._ He knocked on the door timidly, biting his lip nearly hard enough to draw blood.

"Hey," Shinya said, opening the door. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

Die looked at the floor, not at Shinya. "You're late, so Kaoru sent me to get you," he said quietly.

Shinya rubbed his head, smiling at Die sleepily. "I overslept. I'm a bit hungover, you know how it is." Die nodded, grunting an unintelligible response. "Want to come in?" he asked, and Die nodded, following him into the house.

Die stood in the living room uncomfortably, staring at the floor. Usually he would have been looking around curiously, wanting to see what Shinya's apartment was like. Now, however, he didn't have the heart to look around.

"Do you want a drink?" Shinya asked as he disappeared into a bedroom to change. He stuck his head out of the door. "There's some beer in the refrigerator."

"It's eleven in the morning," Die replied quietly.

Shinya shrugged, walking out fully dressed and getting a beer. "Why not start early?" he asked, drinking half of it in what seemed to be one gulp.

"We should go," Die told him.

"What's wrong with you?" Shinya asked, laughing. "You're so boring lately."

Die looked up at Shinya, hurt. "I'm sorry I'm not interesting enough for you," he said, turning to leave.

Shinya grabbed his arm, stopping him. "No, Die, I didn't mean to insult you. Really, I didn't."

Die's eyes met Shinya's, and he could tell that his friend was sorry. Ignoring the emotion, Die pulled away from Shinya. "Well, you shouldn't have said it, then." He walked out of the apartment, leaving Shinya to scramble after him.

* * *

"Can I ask you something?" Toshiya asked Kaoru that night in Kaoru's apartment. 

"What?" Kaoru asked, wrapping his arms even tighter around his lover.

"What do you think we should do about Die and Shinya?"

"What do you mean? We need to find a way to make Die happier, that's for certain, but what's wrong with Shinya?"

"I don't think he's very happy. I know he says he is and everything, but it's Shinya. He always hated going out before, why would he be happy now?"

"What if he discovered a love for clubs he didn't know about?" Kaoru asked, closing his eyes. "Maybe he really is happy. Maybe you're just upset because he doesn't need you to take care of him anymore."

Toshiya smiled. "That's not why I'm upset. I have you to take care of now. But I know my Shin-chan, and he hates clubs. He's just trying to be happy, so we don't have to take care of him, I know it. Besides, there's no way he's happy. There is one important thing missing from his life, that he'll never be happy without."

"What's that?"

"Die. Before he was happy because he got to see Die, he got to talk to him, and Die was happy. Now, he never sees any of us, and Die isn't happy."

"Toshiya, you're such a woman."

Toshiya thrust his elbow back, making Kaoru gasp for air. "Don't insult me."

"It wasn't an insult, it was a compliment. You're so sweet and caring, so nurturing. You take care of everyone, especially Shinya."

* * *

Shinya frowned at the phone. He didn't want to have to call Die. He had tried everyone, even Kyo, but no one was home, and Shinya needed a ride. He contemplated driving himself, but he could hardly walk in a straight line, he didn't want to imagine how absolutely terrible his driving would be. He dialed the number, half hoping that Die wouldn't answer and Shinya would be forced to either walk or drive himself. 

"Moshi moshi," Die said, his voice groggy with sleep.

"Hello, Die," Shinya said, his words slurred. "Can you do me a favor?"

"Where are you?" Die asked, knowing what the favor was. "I'll be there in ten minutes."

When Die pulled up to the bar, he saw Shinya leaning against the wall, half asleep. He got out of the car, in a somewhat bad mood from being woken up in the middle of the night. "Come on, Shinya. Let's get you home," he said, shoving him into the car.

When he reached Shinya's apartment, Die picked Shinya up, easily carrying him to the door. He found the drummer's keys and opened the door, stumbling in the dark. He carried Shinya to the bed room and groped the wall, looking for the light. He lay Shinya on the bed and was about to leave, when he hesitated. He hated sleeping in his clothes, he was sure Shinya wouldn't like to either. Die thought for a moment, and then sighed and looked through the bureau for pajamas. Finding a pair, he carefully undressed Shinya, not wanting to wake him up, and started to put the pajamas on.

Die hesitated for a moment, looking down at Shinya with a sigh. "You're so beautiful," he whispered to his sleeping friend and then finished dressing him.

Die sighed again and left, thinking. "What if I start going to clubs with him?" Die asked himself aloud as he drove home. "Then he might start talking to me. We might even be real friends." Die smiled. "That's what I'll do, I'll start going out with him."

* * *

The next morning, Die was eating breakfast, when someone knocked on the door. He answered it, surprised. "Oh, hello," he said to Shinya. "Come in." 

Shinya walked in, looking around the apartment interested. "I just wanted to say thank you," he said. "You know, for last night."

Die shrugged. "You would have done the same thing for me, I'm sure." He led Shinya into the kitchen. "Breakfast?" he asked, motioning to the food.

"That would be wonderful," Shinya said, smiling.

Die got out an extra plate and served Shinya, sitting down and finishing to eat himself. "Why did you change?" Die asked suddenly.

Shinya looked up at him, surprised. "I changed?" he asked.

Die laughed. "You know you've changed, Shinya, you have to know."

Shinya frowned. "Well, I thought if I started going out more and made more friends, I'd be happier. I thought I might even be able to get a—um, significant other."

"You mean a girlfriend?" Die asked.

Shinya nodded. "Or a boyfriend." He chewed thoughtfully. "But that was just a pipe dream. Everyone seems to think that having more friends makes you happier, I thought I'd try it."

Die shrugged. "If you lose your old friends, what are you going to do when you lose your new friends?" he asked.

Shinya looked surprised again. "Do you think I'm going to lose you guys as friends?"

Die thought for a moment. "Well, I can't speak for Kyo and Toshiya, but I know Kaoru's upset that you're acting like you aren't part of the band. I mean, you only ever talk to us when you have to, you're always too busy."

"I know I haven't been around much, but I'm not the only one that stopped talking to everyone. Toshiya told me the other day that he's worried about you. He tried to get me to talk to you and see what was wrong. He seemed to think that you would tell me, even though you wouldn't tell Kaoru."

"There's nothing wrong," Die said obstinately. "I'm fine, I just haven't been feeling well."

Shinya smiled. "Die, we've switched places," he told him. "Have you realized that? I'm now the one that goes out all the time, and you're the one who gets offended really easily and everyone worries about."

"Everyone still worries about you, Shinya, just not about the same things. Kaoru told me that Toshiya's worried about you. He thinks you aren't happy, even though you claim to be." Shinya looked at Die sadly. "What?" Die asked, frowning.

"Why did you stop calling Kaoru 'Kao', and why did you stop calling me 'Shin-chan'?" he asked. "It's like you're not our friend anymore."

Die shrugged. "Well, I don't feel like your friend, why should I act like I am?" he asked.

"How don't you feel like my friend?" Shinya asked.

Die sighed deeply. "I never see any of you guys, I never talk to any of you guys, and lately you guys have seemed annoyed with me."

"It's your own fault if you never talk to any of us." He grinned. "Everyone always seemed annoyed with me and you were still my friends," he reminded Die, making Die smile. "Make them make time for you, if they're too busy."

"Fine. Shinya, make time for me," Die told him. Shinya just looked at him, and Die grinned. "You told me to make you make time for me," he said. "If you're my friend, make time for me."

Shinya thought for a moment. "Well, I didn't have anything to do today anyway, I was just probably going to sleep all day, and then go out tonight. What do you want to do?"

Die shrugged. "I don't know. Movie?" he suggested, and Shinya nodded.

* * *

Later that day, Die and Shinya went out to lunch, and ran into Kaoru, Kyo, and Toshiya. "What are you guys doing here?" Toshiya asked, all of them looking surprised. 

Die and Shinya glanced at each other, both shrugging. "We just came from a movie, we were hungry," Die said. "Is there something wrong with us being here?"

"No, we're just surprised to see you two together, to see you anywhere, Die." Kaoru smiled at his friend.

Die looked at the ground. "It's not so out of the ordinary for me to go somewhere," he defended himself.

"Do you want to join us?" Kaoru asked them quickly, realizing that he had touched a nerve.

"You know, I'm not very hungry anymore," Die told them quietly. "I'll see you guys tomorrow." He left quickly, before any of his well-meaning friends could stop him.

Shinya looked at the rest of them, thinking. "I'm not really hungry either," he said, and followed Die.

Shinya walked around for a while, eventually ending up in a park. His phone rang, and he answered it. It was his mother, who he didn't really want to talk to.

"Have you found a nice girl yet?" she asked, as mothers often do.

Shinya carefully thought about what to say, and then made up his mind to be blunt, or rather, as blunt as his mother would let him be. "Would there be anything wrong if I didn't find a girl?" he asked.

"You mean if you stayed single forever?" she asked, and sighed.

"No," Shinya said. "What if—well, Toshiya and Kaoru are dating, what if I—"

"Are you gay?" she asked suddenly, seeming frightened. "Shinya, I don't think it's a good thing for you to be gay," she told him.

Shinya feigned a laugh. "No, I'm not gay," he told her. "It was just a hypothetical situation," he explained, though tears were in his eyes. "I have to go, I'll talk to you later," he said, and hung up the phone.

Looking around, Shinya continued his walk. Now he had much more than his newfound social life weighing on his mind. _Am I bad?_ he asked himself. _Is there something wrong with me if I like men?_ He sighed. He had been so secure in liking Die, but now he wasn't sure anymore. _I shouldn't have even asked her, I've known for years that she doesn't approve of gay men._ Shinya closed his eyes as the painful memory came back to him.

He had been hanging out with his best friend, playing some music. There was nothing going on that shouldn't have been, just a couple of sixteen year old boys doing what they loved to do. In an instant, everything changed when Shinya's friend kissed him. Shinya had been startled by the action, and was even more startled to realize that he liked it. Unfortunately, Shinya's mother took that moment to walk into the room. She saw what was going on and started screaming her head off. Embarrassed, Shinya pulled away from his friend and started yelling at him, telling him that he wasn't gay and didn't know why the boy seemed to think he was. Shinya's parents forbade him from ever seeing the boy again, and Shinya listened, not wanting to upset his parents, not wanting to get into trouble. Two years later, a boy Shinya and his friend had gone to school with beat Shinya's old friend to death, after finding out he was gay.

Shinya sucked in an unsteady breath and walked to his apartment, utterly confused. He pulled a bottle of vodka out of the refrigerator, not wanting to be able to think for a while.

As his first sip of the alcohol burned its way down his throat, Shinya bit his lip, on the verge of tears again. "What am I going to do?" he moaned into the empty room, the tears spilling over.

* * *

The next day, when Shinya walked into practice, he avoided the eyes of his bandmates. "What's wrong?" Toshiya asked him, frowning. "You weren't at the club last night, I looked for you." 

Shinya looked up at his friend, motioning for him to come close. "I think I'm back to normal," he whispered to his friend. "Or nearly. There's one thing I need to change."

"What?" Toshiya asked, starting to smile. He was going to have his Shin-chan back at last.

Shinya took in a deep breath, putting his hands up in front of his face so the others couldn't even see his lips moving when he told Toshiya. "I—I can't like men anymore," he said, his eyes filling up.

"Why not?" Toshiya asked loudly, startled.

Shinya looked at the ground, not bothering to whisper. "My parents," he told his friend. "I'm afraid they'll—I'm afraid they'll disown me."

Toshiya hugged Shinya tightly. "You shouldn't worry about that. If they'd disown you because of something like that, they're not worth it." He saw the despairing look on Shinya's face and smiled. "It'll be okay, Shinya, we'll figure something out."

Shinya looked around at the rest of them, who had perplexed looks on their faces, and buried his face in Toshiya's shoulder as hot tears poured out of him. It was the first time he had ever cried, ever really cried in front of them.

* * *

"He'll get mad at me if he finds out I told you guys," Toshiya said later that day, when Shinya was going to the bathroom. 

"Just tell us, before he comes back. He'll never know you told us," Die said impatiently.

Toshiya sighed. "He said that he can't like men anymore."

"He liked men to begin with?" Kyo asked.

Toshiya just ignored him. "Apparently he's afraid his parents will disown him, you guys heard that part."

"This is my fault," Die said, looking at the floor. "Yesterday I—well, I kind of flirted with him at the movie."

Toshiya smiled. "Die, he's liked you for the longest time," he said, making Die looked up, surprised. "Besides, I've known he's liked men since I started being friends with him."

"Are you talking about me?" a small voice asked from the doorway, and they all turned to see Shinya there, staring at them reproachfully.

Toshiya shook his head. "Nope, we're talking about Kyo. He was telling us about his new boyfriend," he lied flawlessly, smiling at his friend. "Die was surprised to find out that Kyo likes men, too."

"But that's been obvious for—"

"Come on, let's get back to work!" Kaoru interrupted, standing up. "We talk too much around here, we never get anything done."

* * *

Shinya was crying into a glass of vodka late that night when there was a knock on the door. "Come in," he called, wiping his eyes and standing up. 

"Hey," Die said, walking into the apartment. "Are you okay?"

"Why were you guys talking about me?" Shinya asked.

"We wanted to know what was wrong, so we asked Toshiya. You can't keep stuff like that from us."

"Why not?" Shinya asked, making his emotions switch to anger instead of sadness.

Die touched Shinya's cheek gently. "Because we care about you."

Shinya slapped the hand away. "Don't touch me," he whispered, looking at the ground.

Die grabbed Shinya's chin and forced him to look up. "Look at me, Shinya! Listen carefully to what I'm going to say. There is nothing wrong with liking men. Absolutely nothing. Toshiya likes men, Kaoru likes men, millions of men like men, and I like men. Well, I like one man."

Shinya was shaking. He wanted to punch Die, to get away, to go to the bottle of pills he had hidden and down the bottle. But he didn't. Instead, he took a deep breath and asked the last question he wanted to ask. "Who?"

"What?" Die asked, frowning still.

"Who do you like?"

Die smiled, letting go of Shinya's chin and stroking his hair. "You, of course," he said gently. "Who else?"

Shinya sucked in an uneasy breath, not knowing what to do. His parents would be mortified if they found out, but…he wanted Die. Shinya stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Die in a hug.

Die hugged back, chuckling. "You're so cute," he said, stroking Shinya's hair some more.

Shinya looked up at Die, and Die kissed him before he had a chance to look away.

Shinya pulled away quickly, not knowing what to do. "Go away," he said quietly, trying to force anger to take control of his emotions once again. "Get out of here."

Die walked to the door, upset. "I would give up my family for you," he told Shinya. "If the roles were reversed, I would give up my family for you."

"Well, I guess I'm not as good a person as you then!" Shinya yelled. He just wanted Die to go away, he wanted the pounding in his head to stop, he wanted to drink until he passed out, and he wanted to never see any of his bandmates again. When Die just looked at him, Shinya threw his glass at the top of the doorframe. Die ducked his head as vodka and pieces of glass and ice rained down on him, and then slammed the door shut, leaving.

* * *

The next morning, Shinya didn't show up for practice. "Do you know where he is?" Kaoru asked Die, frowning. 

Die glared at the drum set Shinya was supposed to be behind. "I don't know, and I really could care less." He sat on the couch, crossing his arms.

Toshiya and Kaoru exchanged perplexed looks. "I'll go to his apartment and look for him," Toshiya said quietly, and left.

When Toshiya reached Shinya's apartment and no one answered the door, he tried the doorknob. It turned, and Toshiya let himself in. The first thing Toshiya saw was the shattered glass, and he frowned. Shinya wasn't the type to break something on purpose, there had to be something incredibly wrong. Looking around, Toshiya's breath caught in his throat. The apartment was a mess. Shinya was a neat freak, and he never would have let his living space get so messy, no matter how busy or tired he was.

Toshiya walked into the room, carefully avoiding the vases and plates and glasses that were shattered on the floor. Going to the bedroom, Toshiya nearly fainted. The bed was covered in blood. There was a large pool of blood on the floor, and Shinya's clothes were scattered, some ripped, all over the room.

Shaking worse than he ever had before, Toshiya called Kaoru.

"Did you find him?" Kaoru asked, answering.

Toshiya tried to speak, and was unable to. He licked his lips and forced himself to talk. "Get over here, now," he said hurriedly. "Hurry."

A few minutes later, the rest of the band rushed into the apartment, to find Toshiya leaning against a wall, tears streaming down his face.

"Where's Shinya?" Kaoru asked, looking terrified.

"I don't know," Toshiya whispered, and fell to the floor in a faint.


End file.
